“He was on top of me, we were having sex and he slapped me… Like, in a sexual way not an abusive way, she tells me. But he slapped me so hard I had an out of body experience. I was looking at myself from the outside in and I could see my ancestors frowning down upon me.” I am chuckling as I retell her story, but in all seriousness this is a true sexual recount of a black woman having sex with a white, male partner. Following the incident, she continued to have sex with him and decided to shake it off for the night but the next morning she let him know that she wasn’t down for the rough housing. Would she have had the same off-putting reaction if she had been slapped by a black man? I’ll admit I like a little choke/spank action, but hey, to each their own. He was a bit flabbergasted when she told him she wasn’t into the role-play, and we had to ask each other if this was part of his normal sexual repertoire or if he thought a black woman might prefer to have rougher sex. I give him credit for taking the initiative to take their sex to a new heightened level, a girl gets tired of always making the first move!, but the way she described her ancestors rolling in their graves gives me reason to think this wasn't a "slap me harder, daddy" kind of slap.
Would a slap have otherwise turned her on if she didn’t have to be reminded of the intrinsic rape culture and criminalization that is historically associated with interracial sex? How many of us are open enough to admit that we are turned on by submissive/dominant sex play? And if so, can we separate historic associations while engaging in more aggressive activity with someone of another race? How much of our own racial bullshit do we project on to our partners?
I’ve only had sex with one white partner and to be honest that experience was a little awkward which is possibly the reason why there’s only been one. (Someone please come and turn me out) We met at a bar and yup, you guessed it, it was 3am. Why do some people wait until the end of the night to #ShootTheirShot ? Though I am open to dating outside of my race, this was the first person that I was interested in getting to know further. He was living in New York via Australia but was leaving the country shortly because of a failed new business. Perhaps the expiration date on our interaction sparked my sexual intrigue. They say you always want what you can’t have. And I knew I had exactly one month to explore my first white penis, so, no time for the pleasantries. Plus, I can admit that the Australian accent made the pussy pulse and I was intrigued to know what our sexual chemistry would translate to once physically personified. A friend recently said that “I look like someone white men would love to date.” What does that mean, exactly? Being tall, dark skinned and African were some of the criteria listed, which I found strange because I am hardly ever approached by men of non Black race. So when he came up to me at Bedvyne Brew at 3am and told me he was surprised that I gave him the time of day, I decided to jump on his white dick while I had the chance (not at that literal moment, but you understand).
Fast forward to our next date of titillating conversation and Lambrusco, which revealed that we had a lot in common and a genuine, visceral connection. In a short time there was already a discussion revolving around when he would next return to the states and how we would keep in contact while he was way. BUT. This was before we had sex. Frankly, I’ve had worse sex with partners of the same race so I can’t attribute our sexual shortcomings to the lack of physical features that I normally indulge in while being intimate with black men: juicy, thick lips, strong arms and back, melanin hanging parts (ya’ll know the rest) HOWEVER, I do attribute the poor sex partly to his own hang-ups about having sex with a Black woman. First, he didn't want me to give him head. As someone who actually enjoys giving blowjobs, I was baffled. Never have I met a man who turned down a blow job. Hell, most times it’s shoved in my mouth before I’ve even laid eyes on it. A male friend explained to me that perhaps he would've orgasmed too quickly if I’d given him fellatio. Have other people had similar experiences? (Very curious to know) Did he also deny non Black women the pleasure of giving head?
Next, he started eating me out, which temporarily relieved me of the awkwardness of the previous incident but, it was all too rushed and sporadic. #TakeYourTimeEatingThisPussy. I was starting to realize that the foundation of any great sexual experience, the crux of good versus great sex, comfort, was missing. Our bodies didn’t effortlessly fall into sync. There was no India Arie singing, “I can’t tell where yours begins, I can’t tell where mine ends.” It was just two good folks cautiously panicking on the inside while faking pornographic sounds and euphoric facial expressions on the outside. Which probably prompted him to start what some of us call, “rabbit” sex. Ya’ll, I’m down with a quickie. But, This. Was. Not. Ok. I truly feel that in his mind, he thought this is how I enjoyed having sex. And, I realize I went against everything I believe in by not speaking up about my discomfort but I couldn’t help but think, “This is how he he imagines a Black Woman likes to be fu&%ed!!” Hard. Rough. Fast...
The next morning after the oxytocin (“love hormone”) had worn off, there was an obligatory morning session that only further magnified our disconnect. Maybe I’d set him up for failure because I subconsciously doubted his sexual prowess as a white man before we even got into the bedroom. And maybe he was doomed from the start once he assumed I would like sex a particular way because I am a Black woman. We lacked compatibility and communication.
Circling back to my friend who was slapped during sex, how many people are open enough to share some of their non traditional approaches to foreplay or intercourse? I can admit that sometimes I like playing a more submissive role during sex, but at times feel like I’m being judged by engaging in the occasional slap, spank or choke. For other races it’s viewed as being sexually liberated. Last year I went to see Dave Chappelle at Radio City Music Hall and Ali Wong opened for him. In case you’re not familiar with Ali, she’s an incredibly talented, explicit, sexually jarring, comedian. I happened to be sitting in a section with primarily black men but the rest of the audience was diverse in it's racial makeup. When Ali started talking about licking her husband's asshole, (how many of you have tried it?) a dark cloud came over the section I was sitting in and I kid you not, Black men started to plug their ears while the rest of the theater roared with laughter. I understand the discomfort surrounding a sexual act that many people are not open to exploring because of hygienic reasons, homophobia, and a plethora of other identity driven qualms. However, how can we become comfortable enough to at least have these conversations within our communities? To understand that there are infinite roads that lead to pleasure and each is indicative of an individual's personal likes and dislikes. We need to liberate our minds before we can liberate our bodies.
I hope that on this fine Tuesday you find the perfect porn video to masturbate to, intensely make-out with your lover, or simply lay eyes on a gorgeous human specimen. Perhaps the next time you have sex you think about trying something outside of your comfort zone: a new position, dirty talk, a light spank...baby steps.