Pro Hoe- Sexual Liberation for POC
sexual wellness in communities of color


Personal Space

“No one wants to wake up, roll over and see a person that they casually slept with the night before. Just call your Uber and get out of there, honey…” Direct quote from my mother, and these words always seem to inhabit my mind as soon as I scoot my cute little ass towards my partner to cuddle post orgasm. To leave or not to leave, that is the question. Flex my ego and prove that I’m emotionally in control of the situation and dictate how I will be treated post sex? Protect myself from being rejected and vulnerable? Women sometimes just want to F8%K and skip all the cute shit, too, right? It’s not unusual for all of these thoughts to cross my mind usually right before he says, “Do you want to sleep over…?” Can someone please tell me if it’s normal to feel this much anxiety over spending the night? I should be ecstatic over the idea of additional 3am and 5am sex but something deep inside of me says, “flee, bitch!”

I recently ran into an ex-partner at a Brooklyn BBQ and after a short text exchange the next day we decided to give our “casually sleeping together, sometimes ignoring each other, investing the bare minimum amount of energy” situation-ship another try. To be fair, we had very natural chemistry from the moment he approached me at the bar and we spoke for half an hour with only 2 inches separating our lips. It was the “my panties are getting wet and I forgot about my friends waiting outside” kind of connection. I didn’t have sex with him the first night we met (you’re welcome, mom), but the next night (sorry, mom) we decided to physicalize our intellectual foreplay. Now, he didn’t have the largest penis or the best oral sex skills. In fact, there were a couple of times I regretted not sitting on his face because he wouldn’t always voluntarily eat me out. #shootyourshotladies. He did however, speak sweet, dirty words to me. Receiving texts throughout the day saying, “I can’t wait to bend you over” and “tell me how you like it” is a tried and true method to building sexual tension if you ask me.

The point here is that compatibility in the bedroom doesn’t always equate to a functioning, healthy relationship. When I left his apartment shortly after orgasm it was a total power play on my end. No validation or small talk needed. He expressed only wanting a casual relationship so I was insistent on playing it cool and proving that I, a passionate, sex positive woman could be emotionally unattached. Let it be known that I am completely aware of my involvement in making these moments awkward and furthering the communication gap between two parties. People, myself included, have intricate commitment issues out in these NY streets. Hence why sharing a bed with someone I’m sleeping with but not in a relationship with gives me ALMOST the equivalent fear to sharing a sweaty subway pole on the slow-creeping C Train during rush hour.... Hey, I said "almost." 

I’ve lived alone for six years and while roaming my apartment naked, and uninterrupted masturbation has kept me sane in an otherwise chaotic world, I do believe it has changed the narrative of when and how much I allow others into my space. I am working on lifting my veil, being vulnerable and not the woman who tiptoes out of his bed at 3:45am (let’s be real, sometimes just to go home and cum on my own) , or being self conscious about how I look first thing in the morning (don’t judge me) because I know it will diminish the emotional landscape with that person. The enigma here is wanting to be loved, turned out, eaten out, sucked, spanked (my favorite) but in the same breath insisting on maintaining autonomy. Visualize a King sized bed. I salivate thinking about all of the space to stretch out in BUT, I want the option to reach across and feel another human if I so desire. America, land of “have your cake and eat it too.” (Ass and cake synonymous in this sentence, hehe)

In my experience interviewing both men and women on this topic, the majority of women don’t feel comfortable inviting casual sex partners into their homes and won’t spend the night until more concrete labels are established. Are there still women who spend the night, go through their partner’s belongings once they leave for work the next morning and inaccurately jump to conclusions based on found evidence? Asking for a friend ;) In a somewhat surprising discovery, some men take great offense to a partner leaving right after sex. Does it imply poor sexual performance?

Last year, I began dating someone who made me squirt, enjoyed long conversations, was sensitive, and physically attractive but I felt suffocated by his desire to spend so much time together. One afternoon after a lovely trip to Harlem for brunch, incense shopping, and the cutest PDA session on the subway he asked if it was ok to spend the night. I let him know that I had an early morning and it would be best if I slept alone. He agreed and our day persisted seemingly unaffected. After giving him his second blowjob, (Should I give a tutorial on how to give good head? I must be good if he wanted to stay over lmao) he asked again if he could stay over. I decided to stick with my initial decision and he left. Needless to say the relationship ended shortly after. We discussed my spacial/time boundaries and he was receptive but deep down I knew that if I was already limiting my time with this person, our future was bleak. But in true dating fashion, the men/women we are naturally enamored with and want to date are highly skilled in the ghosting department. 

An appropriate solution to mending the disconnect between intimacy and sexual intercourse would be to simply not sleep with partners who were not emotionally attached to. However, it is an infinitely more complex decision for people who act strongly on impulse and physical desire. Especially, when the brain and body have an unpredictable algorithm in deciding which people you’re drawn to and for which reasons. But ya’ll, I’m making a vow to focus less on potential heartbreak and the illusion of being in control, and instead, hone in on emotional vulnerability, ride the current and do what feels right. However, I must admit that a few years ago,  it “felt right” to sleepover at an ex’s house but the next morning I found a pair of women’s underwear that didn’t belong to me. I kindly placed them on his pillow and well..., let’s just say he was surprised when he came home from work. Wait, did I just discover the root of my entire personal space debacle?? Lol. Alas, a few sleepovers can’t hurt. I mean, a girl does love the occasional “post orgasm, 7am walk of shame." And by walk, I mean strut and the only shame is wearing the same outfit twice in a row and potentially running into someone from the night before.

I hope your week is full of sex dialogues, mind-blowing orgasms and cunnilingus.

Penda JaiComment